Getting More
Stuart Diamond · 2010
Editorial rating
- Evidence
- 6/10
- Actionability
- 9/10
- Originality
- 7/10
The thesis
Traditional negotiation focuses on power, logic, and leverage. This fails because humans are emotional, not rational. The most effective approach: focus on the other person's perceptions, emotions, and standards. Make emotional payments, trade things of unequal value, and use their own rules to get what you want.
Who this is for
Anyone who negotiates - which means everyone. Particularly valuable for professionals who find traditional hardball negotiation uncomfortable, and parents who need to negotiate with children daily.
My favorite quote
People are not persuaded by logical arguments, they are persuaded by emotional connections. Make them feel heard and valued, and they will give you almost anything.
Why it matters
This inverts conventional wisdom. Most people prepare facts and logic. Diamond says prepare emotional intelligence and connection.
Do this
In your next negotiation, before making your case, ask a question that shows genuine curiosity about the other person's situation.
Start here
Make Emotional Payments: Before asking for anything, deposit into the emotional bank account. Acknowledge their feelings, validate their perspective, show appreciation for their constraints. People who feel understood become willing partners rather than adversaries. This single shift - from persuading to connecting - transforms negotiation outcomes.
Critical summary
Stuart Diamond, a Wharton professor whose negotiation course has been the school's most popular for over a decade, offers a comprehensive system for getting what you want in any situation. Google adopted the model to train thousands of employees; U.S. Special Operations uses it in the field.
The framework centers on 12 strategies, including "Goals are paramount," "It's about them," "Emotional payments," and "Use their standards." Unlike Getting to Yes's win-win rationalism or Never Split the Difference's tactical empathy, Diamond emphasizes understanding and leveraging the other party's worldview.
What it gets right
- Comprehensive toolkit with clear strategies
- Works in everyday situations (hotel upgrades, parenting) not just high-stakes deals
- "Use their standards" is genuinely powerful
- Examples demonstrate techniques in action
What it misses
- Book is too long - could be 1/3 shorter without losing value
- Examples become repetitive and sometimes feel like confirmation bias from students
- Some techniques feel manipulative if applied cynically
- Heavy on anecdote, lighter on research
Evidence is primarily from Diamond's course and consulting practice - 40,000 students across 60 countries. Battle-tested but not rigorously studied.
Key concepts
Goals Are Paramount
Everything serves your goals. Don't get distracted by winning arguments or proving points.
It's About Them
The more you understand their world - perceptions, needs, fears - the more effective you become.
Emotional Payments
Small gestures of acknowledgment, appreciation, and validation. Deposits before withdrawals.
Trade Unequal Values
Find things you value differently and trade them. Creates value from nothing.
Use Their Standards
Hold them to their own stated rules, policies, and values. Hard to refuse without hypocrisy.
Be Incremental
Small steps are easier to accept than big asks. Build toward your goal.
Core insights
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Logic doesn't persuade
Humans make emotional decisions and rationalize afterward. Lead with connection, not argument.
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Their standards are your leverage
When they say "it's policy," ask about exceptions. Their own rules become tools.
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Small trades create big value
A hotel upgrade costs them nothing but means a lot to you. Find these asymmetries everywhere.
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Incremental beats bold
Ask for a little, then a little more. Each yes makes the next yes easier.
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The relationship is the negotiation
How you make them feel matters more than what you're asking for.
Implementation steps
Today
- In your next interaction, make an emotional payment before making a request
- Notice when someone uses standards against you; practice asking about exceptions
This week
- Identify an upcoming negotiation; list what the other party values that costs you little
- Practice the phrase: "Help me understand your perspective"
This month
- Keep a negotiation journal: what worked, what didn't, what would you do differently?
- Use incremental asks in a real negotiation - start smaller than you normally would
Ongoing
- Before every negotiation, ask: what are their standards, and how can I use them?
- Make emotional deposits habitually, not just when you want something
Suggested 30-day practice plan
An editorial application plan created by Monolithic Vault - an interpretation of the book's ideas, not part of the original book.
- Day 1
Identify your top 3 goals for a current negotiation
- Day 2
Research the other party: what do they value? What are their constraints?
- Day 3
List 5 things you could offer that cost you little but might matter to them
- Day 7
Practice one emotional payment in a low-stakes situation
- Day 14
Use "their standards" technique: hold someone to their own stated policy
- Day 21
Try incremental asks: break a big request into smaller steps
- Day 30
Review your negotiation journal; identify your strongest and weakest technique
Free PDF summary
Take this analysis with you: a designed two-page field-notes sheet with the thesis, my favorite quote, the key concepts and core insights, and the full 30-day checklist. Print it or keep it - free, no signup.
Go deeper
If this analysis earned your attention, the full book goes further than any summary can. The original is always the primary source.
